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sarina says:

only the One can actually TELL me where to go and how to live. everyone else should say "i think..." in preface to their advise. no, silly! i haven't been in a hot pan of water with someone here - i'm just in one of my sarina moods. generally i ramble when i'm like this. i have no idea what is coming so it's actually a freeform thinking session.

how big is god? is he bigger than me? is he bigger than the world? is the universe too small for him? what dimension does he live in? can i see him? does he have a body? can he see in color? is heaven real? or is it simply a hope thing that keeps us from giving up in despair? is heaven physical? are there buildings there? is there electricity? how can i play my synthesizers there? do i have to go to church there? do i have to watch every word i say there?

will i love someone else there? will i love anyone at all there? or will i be a programmed saint, walking around smiling and floating and loving EVERYTHING i see? will i have my own thoughts there? will i have a personality there? can i see my body there? will i have breasts and a woman's body there? will i be a virgin there? will i ever be able to have sex in heaven? will i WANT to have sex in heaven?

can i drink my favorite rum and coke in heaven? can i have a steak sometimes too? will i be able to have icecream? can i see people on the earth from heaven? will i be allowed to talk to angels in heaven? will angels even talk to ME? are angels real or invisible? are demons real? can i touch an angel on her face? if an angel kissed me, would i feel it? why did demons get created? who created demons?

is satan real? does he have a physical body? does satan love me too? why does satan persist if he already knows the outcome of the final battle? is it all just a numbers game to god and satan? am i a pawn on a cosmic chessboard? does satan care if i talk bad about him? does he care if i love him? if a demon is real, can it really come inside my body? is it true that just speaking the name "jesus" causes demons to go away from me?

if there really is "power in the blood", then why do i not feel it inside? if i have a doubt about god, does he go away from me like i've been told? if i get mad at him, does he care? did god see me when i touched myself this week? if so, does he turn his face? if i want to have a day and not be feeling guilty, can i have it and still have his presence? does god only like benny hinn and jesse duplantis? if i give money to a homeless woman, does god credit me for it?

i love a girl like me. does god really throw me away for it? i've heard that we choose our own destiny. if so, then am i the one sending my soul to hell or heaven? am i number 39489244394 to god, or am i sarina? if god really loves me, is it a love i can understand? if i tell god i love him, does he give me slack? if i care more for other people than myself, do they get benefit from it? if god tells me to do something and i don't, does he give the assignment to someone else? why did god create me? or did he create me at all? is there a store room full of souls and when i was conceived someone just grabbed one and put it in me?

why do christians tell me to find all the answers in the bible? which bible is right? i have many versions of the bible and some of them disagree with the other. why does god make me have to decide which one to believe in? the book of mormon was written by a man. it is hostile to mainstream christian belief. so why do i have to toss a coin to figure out who is telling the truth? if i am catholic, am i going to hell? if i get baptized but later want to do it again, does it count? what if i am distracted because my nipples were hard and i forget to focus on what is happening as the minister puts me under the water? how can i really place my body under subjection to god when i am crazed with overactive hormones? if i get a certain way because i am close to someone i love, does god think i am bad? if i tell my girlfriend i love her, does god smile?

are amish people really the example of a godly people? if i am truly god's daughter, then what kind of father would allow me to burn? my daddy told me he loves me no matter what i do. does god? if i were a boy and i had a daughter, i would never let her burn. is god black and white, or does he have colors? does god make exceptions to his rules? why doesn't god appear to me even when i hold my uncle's gun to my head and call for him to talk to me? is mary more than a woman? does god get mad when i desire to talk to mary? i have issues with boys. will god allow me to talk with ANY female in heaven? is sarin really my angel? i can touch and see sarin. i can hear her voice. is she a demon in disguise?

the bible doesn't have the answers for all my questions. should i quit asking them and just bury my head in the sand and follow all the other christians? a man fell down at a church i went to. he rolled around and everyone laughed. a man next to me said the fallen man was slain in the spirit and then a spirit of laughter came over the audience. why wasn't anything funny to me? i went forward and allowed paula white to touch me when she came here to billings. everyone else she touched fell down. i wanted to fall down too. i tried and i cried real tears as i walked to the front. i asked god to please touch me. he didn't. paula white did. and i didn't feel anything except embarrassment because my legs refused to release me. so i fell down so no one would think me as being rebellious. i felt like a complete traitor to myself.

will god make me tell him every bad thing i've done in my life - then tell me to get away from him? if i die right this minute, will god give me a chance to tell my side of things? will god even see me if i die and go to hell? if i do go to hell won't my body adapt to the heat after a time? will i be raped and tortured in hell? will satan talk to me? if i am going to hell when i die, is there a ranking system? is there rank in heaven? are there servants in heaven? if we are all supposed to serve one another, then will i have to work hard everyday in heaven? tongues like fire came on those men in the upper room. they spoke in a new tongue after that. a church i went to told me that i have to do this or i can't truly be a christian. i tried like i did when paula white pushed me in my forehead. nothing happened but the minister told me i was holding on too hard. i relaxed and begged for the holy spirit to come into me so i too could talk like the others. i had to fake it because everyone was starting to get noisy and tell me i had demons that were preventing the flow of the spirit. when i uttered a few gibberish words, they were happy with me.

my body is hyper sensitive to touch. does god get mad at me for being hot when i shower? if he is mad, why doesn't he numb me so i don't feel things so much? why is god letting me go days and weeks without talking to me? is god really just my own conscious? i know right from wrong. if i choose right as much as i can, does god come closer? if i make mistakes, does god go away? why did god make so many rules for me when i can't even follow the simplest ones? god says he loves me. if that's true, then he knows my heart from the inside. how can he just pitch me away if i love a girl? does one choice eliminate me from heaven? is heaven really an exclusive country club for people who only are religious? if a tribe in africa never heard from a bible reading or a traveling minister never found them, are they doomed to hell? if i live in the rainforest and all my life i worship the morning and night and i think that god is everything around me, am i going to hell? if i was born deaf and blind, i can't obviously read the bible. i can't hear the word in church. am i going to hell? is hell just a threat to make us live honorable lives on earth?

if god created the garden of eden, why did he make the tree that was forbidden? to me that is torture and he is actually the one that tempted man first. since god IS god, he can do anything he likes. wouldn't he get bored after so many years? who was in heaven before we were created? is god an overbearing fat man sitting on a throne with angel slaves catering to him? i don't believe god is physical. i think god is pure energy and we can never see him at all.

if i live my time on earth and be a good girl in my own eyes, does god recognize i did my best? why are all these new preachers calling themselves "prophets" and trying to scare me? why is everyone these days a prophet? why doesn't god tell me which bible is the most accurate one? is israel really god's land? i was born there so am i protected some way? if i had a boyfriend, would god be happier? or does god simply ask me to love honorably?

i do love. i have it in me. if it isn't good enough for god to be pleased with me, then i know already where i go when i die. will god let me talk to him before his guards take me away? i think i am dying almost everyday of my life. is that why i should pray every night? is the prayer to really "buy him off"? is there anything about me, sarina, that god loves enough to let me come and live in his new home? am i worm food when i die? is it really just a sleep that has no end? why would someone create me just to turn me off?

evolution is crap. i'm too intricately made to ever buy that line. i have what no other creature has, and that is hope. so who is it that gave hope to me? if god loves me like i understand love, then i am going to drink lemonade with him and play a game of twenty questions.

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sarina says:

i'm simply here to listen. i love you.